I think its a little unfair of me keeping my struggles private while here i am talking about depression etc. Today I’d like to share exactly what i’ve been through and why i felt like i was carrying a world on my shoulder.
I haven’t been able to express my feelings and thoughts all this while as I’ve always fear what people might think of me. You will only understand the meaning of struggle when you experience it first hand. And you just know that you have reached the end line of your strength you’ve been building up all these years.
I have few dear friends that has been telling me that i’ve always been too hard on myself and that i’ve always put a certain expectation beyond what i can take. She said ” there’s only so much a person can take, and this is you ”
I didn’t realize it was a struggle till every tear drops brought a certain pain in my heart that i can’t seem to put it into words. So here it goes, im sorry if this post is a little too long.
I wasn’t born in a rich or wealthy family. In fact i was from an average working family, but we do often have financial problems at times. I guess every family has this problem too. My parents are divorced and my father remarried.
I witness my mother struggle to keep herself surviving without my father financially while slowly loosing her eyesight to her optic nerve tumour that was gradually growing on her optic chiasm.
But before all that happened, i’ve already felt a little too broken by an incident that took place during my schooling days. On my way home from school, a stranger ran towards me and grab my breast. He molested me. And i was left shocked. I was 15 that time. It all happend too quick and it left a tiny scar that i think became the very derivative of all pain of my journey ahead in life.
To be honest, i was still sad and upset that my family were broken apart. Back then it was only me my sister. We only had each other. Every struggle we went through, we shared our tears together. I can’t even remember when was the last time i had a nice dinner with my parents n sister together. It broke my heart. That’s how i slowly hated any family gatherings and even raya too. I still remember a time where it was raya time and we were so broke that me, my mother and sister didn’t had any money to celebrate. We even had to count the coins we had left to buy us food. You only know the true meaning of life when you are left with nothing.
Anyways as time passed, i went through a break up from my first long term relationship. We both studied together in med school back then in Russia. We were so closed that time to the extend i considered him as my own family. I guess from what i’ve been through, i was searching for happiness and love through someone. That was my first mistake. I didn’t handle the break up very well. I went into a full blown manic and started to abuse myself on substances just to get through another day.
I even would find myself in the following years letting men take advantage over my heart and body. I spent weekends over places that i shouldn’t be. Slowly without realizing i’ve let depression into my home.
It really hit me rock bottom when i received news from my mums surgeon saying that they couldn’t save the nerve and she’d be at risk of losing her eyesight forever post surgery. So that’s what happened,she became permanently blind and that was the last time she ever saw my face. Her daughter. I hid my feelings from everyone on how devastated i was everytime i see her walk and get lost around the house. I used to even cry quietly next to her because it was too painful to see her that way. She used to be my bestfriend. We would go shopping, get our hair done, watch movies together and all of other things. And that was the last time we could ever do things as such.
My father wasn’t always in Malaysia to help around at that moment. I went through many ups and downs with my sister that we both somehow knew our lives are always filled with unfortunate events. But we always had each others back no matter what.But things weren’t always that way. We had our fight moments too. But not like any other siblings would have. Ours are much more serious. We both had our own ways in adapting and handling our family issues. That brought us to too many arguments. But despite our fights, deep down we do love each other so much after all that we went through.
There was a time after i graduated we had family financial issues to the extend we couldn’t pay the maid to stay and take care of our mother while we were out for work. Back then my sister was in her last posting in Emergency Department A&E. At that moment she was married to an abusive husband that i don’t even wish to call as my brother in law. I watched her cried most of the time and see her body covered with bruises each time. My mum would just sit there helplessly. There are even times when she even got admitted to the hospital with concussions after a huge fight with her ex husband. Yes, they have divorced not long ago. Finally. She deserves someone so much better.
So as I’ve mentioned above. We had financial issues. I decided to work in a chinese pub serving men because it was the only fastest way. In the morning i will be working in a clinic and continue to work till late night around 3am. While my friends were all travelling the world before starting their housemenship, here i was working day and night. I did this for almost a year. It broke me. It really did. I cried most of the days till there were no more tears left. My feet were exhausted by the heels i wore and walked every other of those dreary nights. It made me felt less of a women each day to be honest. But i did what i had to do, is to help my family when they are in need.
I was lonely that time, felt like life was constantly throwing hard rocks at my face. I became so numbed at pain i could even hurt myself without feeling any emotions. The thing i hated the most was shifting houses. I would go around carrying my luggage from my original house where i grew up, to my mums husbands house, then to my dads house, to my friends house it goes on. I’m tired living like this. My close friends that knows me very well, knows that its always been hard to catch up with me as i’m always on the move. I slowly lost countless of friends that i thought were closed to me. I learned that i couldn’t keep friends as they can’t seem to fit in the life i’m living in.
I began my journey as a housemen not long after that. I was excited, i thought finally practicing as a doctor would change my life forever. That things would get better.
I was wrong,
I had less time to spend with my mum and realized I’ve been neglecting life. I couldn’t balance things the right way at that time. And you know whats worse?. I did not know i had bipolar disorder back then. I knew i had depression but it didn’t even click me that i was bipolar. So my symptoms was starting to show up. As time passed when i was given a long mc break i almost lost my job and eventually i did as due to the new contract system for residency or housemenship in malaysia that i wasn’t aware of.
My heart broke and shattered into pieces. Only god knows how much i struggled to make a come back to complete my Obstetric and Gyneacology posting at that time. The day i tender my resignation i cried till there were no more tears left. I lied in bed whole day thinking what am i supposed to do with my life now. What’s worse is that, there were some friends that didn’t bother to call and asked how am i doing. I got more depressed. I was thinking of suicide the whole time. But thanks to few angels that was sent to me, you know who you are. I was saved, i was given a second chance to rebuild my life.
I was started on medications as i’ve had admissions following few relapses. I’m not sure how to put this. Being on a road to recovery is not the sweetest thing ever. It sounds motivating doesn’t it. ? There are times i would have tremors that i can’t even handle myself feeding soup with a spoon. I would feel drowsy most of the time that i have to be kept in tight schedule.
I really want to start practice again as a doctor. I would need to pass for a Medical Review Panel evaluation before i apply back my training in housemenship. Its a challenge i’m willing to take. I would need to be fully recovered to be fit to work back in the hospital. But i do feel like giving up sometimes. The struggle is real.
I still cry sometimes but much lesser nowdays. This blog has brought me closer to so much people that are sharing the same wave with me. I am so happy that some are emailing me sharing stories of their own. Listening to other peoples struggle is the REAL EYE OPENER. I hope everybody take this moment or chance to reflect what we have and that we should be grateful for every single challenge life has shown us. Because every difficult path teaches us the most valueable lesson that money cant buy.