I hope my post could save lives or atleast reach out to people who are struggling like me.
Its something vulnerable i’d like to share and kept personal for a long time.
It’s dark and its continuously getting darker
Its quiet till all words seems to cease to exist
No, it does not feel like stab nor a shooting pain, but its like a malaise that grasp every single strand of fiber that runs in your body. It consumes you, you feel tired and sleepy.
Few years ago, a stranger held my hand and said ‘ i see sadness in you, how are your parents doing and how are you coping? ‘ i know you’ll think why would i believe such words from a stranger , he barely knows me. And it wasn’t like i was carrying sad grimaces wherever i go. I do put on a smile on my face from time to time. He wasn’t asking for anything from me, clearly i had nothing but a bag filled with clothes. But i could see how he really meant to say those message to me. I do not believe in fortune tellers as its against my religion but everything he said was absolutely right. He opted me for writing, its therapeutical he said. Lastly he just wish me luck in life and wisdom.
Little did i know i was tearing up a little bit and cried through out my train journey. For some unfathomable reason, i took a piece of this old men advice. Not many people know me. But people who does, knows that i can be very deep when it comes to emotion. I tend to always see things a different view. And somehow my life is always filled with events. Each events that played a role of shaping who am i today. I tend to mask any sadness i have and turn to do to something i think i love to do. So i opted few hobbies along the way like painting, singing ,sports, cooking. I wasn’t good or great in any of it but i do know that it was enough to make me feel full. There’s always somehow something new i would try to learn.
Anyways, as said by the old man . My tears bottled up through out the years. I manage to keep things in content. Only a handful of people that knows that i’m crashing. I made some mistakes and bad choices . For years and years i lived in denial. I was refusing to believe that i had this horrible thing in me. Just because i was a medical student, i thought i would understand and tackle it better than any other normal person that struggles it too.
The pain was constant, it wasn’t like intermittent thing. You know, like a toothache that keeps throbbing and pounding. It only becomes clear after countable events and realized you have reached your breakdown limit. There’s always a fine line in every breakdown point. And this was mine . It came and slowly ate me.
I kept quiet because keeping a straight face seems like a better and faster way to mask all what I’m feeling. It gets difficult to explain to people sometimes because no one will fully understand what i am going through is
The stigma is there yes in our society.
You may ask , what exactly is making you stress and sad? Can you just try and flip your mind and stop thinking negative?
My doctor told me, its alright . You don’t need to make people understand. Sometimes the greatest mind do not understand too.
Some may say it’s because of your lacking in faith and the distant you put between yourself and god. Some would just simply say that you are lazy.
The fear of being judged left depression to engulf me wholly that it left me crippled. I left everything i loved to do and realized hadn’t been genuinely smiling for a long time and find myself crying and getting emotional over little things. I kept my circle of friends smaller. I can literally count how many are there left. Staying in this small cacoon that i created made me feel safer somehow. I felt like happiness has been stripped of from me. I can hardly laugh to any jokes or memes. No sense of humor could entertain me, i was
Being a medical student at that time help me nothing but realize that depression is real. It followed me almost everywhere i go, when i watch movies, when i take a shower, or even when im talking to a friend. The only relief that i could find was in my sleep. It was the only way that calms the voices in my mind and isolate myself from the harsh truth of reality. There is something special about sleeping in the midst of depression. Its like an escape window to somewhere you wish to be.
Well, day comes after night of course. Reality wakes you up, you have chores to do, work, social and any normal routine that a normal human person is accustomed to do. I feel like I’m trapped with all exits are sealed and there is no way out. Its a dark tunnel, an empty abyss. My knees are trembling , voices are telling me to take a leap.
Rainbows that used to seem colourful looks pretty dull and dim to my eyes. I just don’t see the world the same like others anymore.
Eventually i just got TIRED.
Physically tired too, fatigued most of the time. Waking up in the morning was the hardest task to accomplish. I don’t even know why bathing is so difficult to accomplish either. Feels like you were assign to climb the peak of mount everest. You’re pouring every inch of your energy into it. And once you’re done you feel like have just a tiny amount of faith to carry on the rest of your day. Sooner or later i found myself having trouble sleeping too, or sleeping too much. My sleeping cycle is a mess. Along with my depression came along another friend called anxiety. It defines the whole depression.
It made it WORSE.
It took it to another level. I did not want to go to bed because i am not ready to go through another day . I’m still breathing because i survived today somehow. Im eating but food seems tasteless sometimes. I find myself eating a salad or a bun only through the day just enough to keep me alive. I just don’t have any motivation . Even to the extend chewing up and swallowing my food. Everything i do makes me tired. Its draining and wrenching my body. I cancel out appointments or going anywhere with friends or answering phone calls.
I never fully understood back then why people took their own lives.
Why cant people just be happy and grateful with everything they have ? Some people are blessed with wealth, fame , success..but they are still not happy . My doctor told depression could be a result of anything . Mine was just series of events that accumulated.
I realized pain has a certain threshold, it could reach a point where sometimes you cant think yourself out it no matter how powerful your mind are. It goes beyond your medication too. Its a point where all my breathing practices or meditation becomes useless. Or maybe i wasn’t doing it right ?
Physical pain is much easier to deal with. ( i am not going to include what i have done to myself as it is confidential). Counting the affected years, i realized how accustomed i have become to this depression. It changed me a lot. After an untreated struggle, somehow a diagnosis brought me a relief.
I’m a trainee doctor , but im afraid to call myself so. The only person that i wish to save is myself.